Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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