Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
These tits shall not be calmed
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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