Fine. I'll sleep in my office
handjob tips. give me some.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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