I think my vagina is haunted
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
