He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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