____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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