Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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