Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
