I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
