Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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