Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
