I must be too annoying 4 u.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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