I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Randomize
