Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
