She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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