My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
