wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
