i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
