I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Randomize
