So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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