u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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