wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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