Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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