I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
