Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
