My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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