i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
