I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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