last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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