he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
True strength comes from lack of pants
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
