my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
