i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
how drunk are you?
Several
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
