he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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