the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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