I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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