He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she peed on how many people?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
