they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i think i just lost a toe
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
