There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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