i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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