dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
