I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Found your dick twin last night
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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