He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
