last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
