I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
