I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
