god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
