After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
