Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
