I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
