During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
